Bring on the GGGGG-Men

Francis and I are gonna do a collaborative Top 5 on the outcome of the Skins game yesterday. Frank is going to talk about the DC Lumber Company (the defense) and I'm gonna critique the less than impressive offense:

1. Right Tackle for "Heyer": I know he is Joe Bugel's boy. I realize he has given both knees and an achilles to this organization. And I also realize he was here the last time the Redskins actually won the NFC East. BUT, can Jim Zorn please revert back to his intuition following the preseason and sit Jon Jansen down. I think, right now, sitting at 5'10, 172 pounds of steaming monkey crap, and running the 40 in 5.2- I could line up across from Jon Jansen and put some heat on the quarterback. This isn't so much an indictment on Jon Jansen as it is on the coaching staff for being reticent to pull him. I understood playing him when Stephon Heyer was injured, but for this offense to work, Soup has gotta have enough time to hit those vertical routes. That just isn't happening with the lack of frontside protection. Now, speaking of Stephon Heyer- I love this guy. As I stated before, I always want to be honest. So, I'm gonna tell y'all up front that ever since I read this Washington Post article on Heyer last year (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/09/15/AR2007091501362.html), I have rooted for him to not only succeed, but achieve greatness. Coach Zorn has been steadfast in his belief that Jansen is not a sufficient pass blocker for his West Coast system. Zorn has said on multiple occasions that the quicker, more athletic Heyer is much better suited to the nuances of the WCO's pass blocking schemes. With the voracious pass rush of the New York Football Giants coming to the District this Sunday, it seems like the time is now to give Mr. Heyer his chance.

2. Trench Warfare: Attention Coach Zorn . . . the Washington Redskins are not the Philadelphia Eagles. When the offense is stuck in a 3rd and less than 2 type situation, you don't have to mimic Andy Reid (remember Coach, he doesn't have any rings) and call a play-action pass. When in a 3rd and 2 or a 3rd and 1, just look to your right, find Joe Bugel, and say, "Buges, what do you think??" The answer will be short, concise, and right on the money- 40 Gut. Then, sit back and watch the big uglies clear the way for your MVP candidate, CP 2-6. If you do this Coach, I promise, the Skins will get a chance to play in the second season. For years football coaches have been saying, "Feed the stud." CP is the Skins' stud and he needs to get the ball in every crucial short yardage situation.

3. O, Canada!: Shaun Suisham needs to do some soul searching this week. If he doesn't get himself together soon, he is going to be hearing a lot more of the Canadian National Anthem because his ass is gonna be on a one-way trip back to Wallaceburg, Ontario. Yet again this week, Suisham missed what should be a very makeable field goal. The way the Skins offense has looked the last 6 weeks, points are at a premium. This team cannot afford to leave 3 on the field like it has the last 2 weeks. As good as the defense is playing, it's only going to take between 17 and 20 points to win each week. Shaun Suisham's success is key to the Redskins push for the playoffs.

4. This ain't the ACC: New K-State Wildcat Coach Bill Snyder, same as old K-State Wildcat Coach Bill Snyder, should be proud of his alum, Rock Cartwright, who had returns of 31, 27, and 26 yards. He was as crucial in assisting the anemic offense as any other factor in the game. Indiana's Antwaan Randle El had a nice 14-yd punt return, also. However, Plackemeier's impressive punts of 38, 32, and 25 yards somehow resulted in 3 Seahawk points. You can't expect that from a team better than 2-8. I hope that Vinny is combing the college ranks for the punter of the fututre. Of course, that didn't work last year...

5. Bill Clinton Defense: You know, NO PENETRATION. First, the good news. They gave up 228 yards, 17 points, and secured a win. They sacked Hasselbeck twice, including once by a DT (L. Alexander). They intercepted him twice, Springs ending his former team's chances, and Landry getting career #3 at Qwest Field. Most importantly, when they had to show their steely backbone after Betts' fumble, they did – in spades. On the other hand, though, for the second consecutive game, a big back, Mo Morris no less, gained 100+ yards. This is telling in that it shows that opponents' offensive lines are dominating the battle in the trenches and suring up holes long enough for their big freight train backs to roll through, and over our LBs and DBs. This doesn't bode well with the league's best rushing unit, and freight train Brandon Jacobs, coming to town. To the hips, boys. To the hips.

5 Things Obama could learn from Spiderman

Matt Brady posted the following column at Newsarama:

http://www.newsarama.com/comics/110813-Obama-Spider-Man.html

As promised, here's my take:

5. In Order to Get Things Done, Sometimes You Have to Reach Across the (Super Hero) Aisle.

In both the Marvel and physical universes, this is completely untrue. No one has “reached across the aisle” more than our current President George W. Bush, and he has been called Hitler, a dummy, and a war criminal. He has the lowest public approval ratings in history. “Reaching across the aisle” hasn’t been the answer.
In the Marvel Universe, the “heroes” have fought a Civil War to settle their differences. The heroes stood by the principles, to the death. The winner prevailed.
By the way, absolutely nothing in Barry’s political history suggests that he will attempt to do anything other than be an extreme leftist partisan.

4. The Press Isn’t Your Friend

My response: bwahahahahaha...
I’m not sure if J. Jonah Jameson is capable of feeling a thrill going up his leg, but Joe Q. will probably write that in. If the press in the Marvel universe begins to resemble the press of the physical universe, they will be slobbering over Obama shortly.
So… puhlease.

3. Bad Things Are Going to Happen. The Important Thing Is How You Respond.

Firstly, bad things are happening. We’re at war, in two theatres. Iran has amassed enough material for an atomic bomb. Pakistan has an unstable government in charge of a nuclear arsenal, and the same probably holds true for North Korea. Russia is reasserting itself as a tyrannical power, and taking over where Krushchev left off – daring to tread into the Western Hemisphere. Obama’s plan – withdrawal, appeasement, capitulation. Doesn’t sound like Spidey to me.

2. Never Lose Your Sense of Humor

Between all of the “ums” and meaningless platitudes, I haven’t recognized any sense of humor. Joe the Plumber sure didn’t see any sense of humor. In the sarcasm department, Barry Dunham is no Peter Parker.

1.With Great Power There Must Also Come -- Great Responsibility

God knows Barry hasn’t had to learn this one yet. Voting present doesn’t represent “great responsibility.” Responsibility means answering for hanging out w/ the bad guys like Wright, Ayers, and Rezco. Responsibility means ‘fessing up to voting against American troops and a war strategy that worked. Barry has got a long way to go to learn this lesson.

Top 5 G N' R Moments: the story of my life

With the impending release of Chinese Democracy, the first musical release by GN’R since 1999’s “Oh My God” on the End of Days soundtrack, I suggested that we dedicate our Top 5 Guns N’ Roses songs. But, for those who know me, GN’R is more important than that. To name off 5 songs would understate the importance that the band, and Axl, played in my life, so I have instead come up with my Top 5 Guns N’ Roses moments. They’re old, like me. They’re listed chronologically, not in order of importance or preference, as they help to tell the story of the band, and, in a way, of me.




1. The 1988 American Music Awards (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVze_GXpH4w)
This was broadcast in primetime on national television. It really introduced America to the band, and the band to superstardom. This performance, and Appetite for Destruction, put a stake in the heart of, not only, the bubble gum pop bullshit that was littering the airwaves, but also the neon, lipstick, hairspray glam bands that were destroying rock n’ roll. It was the beginning of a revolution, and it changed my life.

2. The 1989 MTV Video Music Awards (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIbokxowSU0)
This was when MTV ruled music, a song’s popularity was determined by its music video – which was MTV’s main programming – and the culmination of a year in music was literally chronicled by the MTV Video Music Awards. They were culturally pertinent. 1989 saw GN’R remain at the top of the music industry, but only through the release of an EP. Other acts replaced them on the album and MTV charts. No act was bigger in ’89 than Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, and no video was bigger than Free Fallin’. So, he could’ve performed this jam solo, and it would’ve headlined the show, but when Axl came out – the roof blew off of every teenager’s house in America. It solidified Axl Rose as an all-time Rock Star.

3. Farm Aid IV, July 4th, 1990 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CW_PxY-1spY)
A bittersweet moment for me, this show aired on The Nashville Network. The crowd was there to see acts like Dwight Yoakam and Indiana’s native son, John Cougar Mellencamp. Little did they know that they would be privy to a surprise performance by the greatest rock n’ roll band in the world. Axl had brought his boys to the Heartland, and they delivered – opening w/ the never-before-heard, Civil War. It was them at their best, but it was also the beginning of the end. It was Steven Adler’s final performance. After that, they, nor I, were ever really the same.

4. 1992 MTV Video Music Awards (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLoQteiJNOU)
This is a complete dichotomy. It is the performance of November Rain, a song that a young nobody Axl wrote about his love, Erin Everly. By the time of this performance, Axl is in the midst of every cliché possible; a full orchestra, the black girls sing, the gold chalice, the double piano w/ Sir Elton, and, yet, he and Everly’s marriage was already annulled. On the one hand, it is the greatest rock n’ roll performance MTV had ever seen, and has ever seen since, and, on the other, the leviathan that had become GN’R was already being replaced by the no-strings Nirvana.

5. 2002 MTV Video Music Awards (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=STc30hsUCoY)
The only people more excited about this moment than Jimmy Fallon, were Char & I – literally jumping on the bed. It was the return of a legend – and in his stead, no one had emerged, and no one has since. Although it was a lackluster performance, and didn’t usher in Democracy for 6 more years, it was still proof that W. Axl Rose is fucking rock n’ roll.

Pre-order Chinese Democracy here.

Football's 5 Notables

Normally, Francis and I would Top 5 on the same topic, however, this particular weekend provided some material I needed to comment on:

1. Ties?? God Bless Donovan McNabb. Since his career began, he has provided me with multiple opportunities to comment on what a waste he is as a leader of a franchise. First there was his inability to keep his supper down during the key drive in the Super Bowl, then there was the time he pushed the only legitimate receiver he's ever had out of town, and my personal favorite- after an ass whooping was laid down on the Igles by my beloved Redskins earlier this year, McNabb explained that even though they had just been dominated up and down the football field, the Igles were still a better team. BUT, all of these pale in comparison to Donovan's post-game press conference yesterday. Apparently Donovan, who has been in the league for 10 years now, was unaware that NFL games can end in ties. http://ballhype.com/video/donovan_mcnabb_didn_t_know_nfl_games_ended_in_ties/ Maybe before players sign contracts they should have to pass an NFL citizenship test that consists of 50 questions any Tom, Dick or Harry who watches games on Sunday with a sixer of the Banquet Beer would know. If you dont get 40 out of 50 correct, you fail. You can only take the test once per year. Until you pass, you are only allowed to make the league minimum and you have to wear a scarlet F on your jersey so everyone knows that you were a waste of a draft pick.

2. A.B. for MVP- Since I always wanna shoot it straight, I will admit, Anquan Boldin is on two of my fantasy football teams. And each week he tends to carry me to victory. However, this has nothing to do with my feeling that Anquan Boldin should be the MVP of the NFL. For those of you who didn't see it, this guy got "JACKED UP!!!" in a game against the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWDA67sdfPg&feature=related He missed two games because of the hit, yet he is still 6th in the league in receptions with 62, 7th in yards with 792, 1st in yards per game with 99 and 1st in the league in TD catches with 10, a full 3 TD catches ahead of Calvin Johnson. The guy also lines up in the Wildcat formation to run the football and he can throw the rock too. Arizona . . . let that sink in . . . ARIZONA is in first place in their division and are poised to host a home playoff game. Like I said at the top, A.B. for MVP.

3. Tuna's Fish- Bill Parcells has coached four of my most hated teams- the New York Football Giants, the Foxborough Patriots, the Jets, and Lucipher's Spawns. And yet, I not only respect the man, I think he may be the best football mind in the NFL. Parcells once famously said, "If you want me to cook the dinner, you ought to let me shop for some of the groceries." In his new role as Executive VP of the Dolphins, he has done just that, making shrewd moves and quietly resurrecting the 2007 season's worst team. The 'Fins are one last second Matt Schaub TD scramble from being 7-3, they are one game back in the AFC East, and are on the cusp of an AFC Wild Card berth. All of this after trading his best player Jason Taylor, shunning the popular first pick Matt Ryan for bookend left tackle Jake Long, and reuniting with his former first-round draft pick- Jets' throwaway Chad Pennington. If only Daniel Snyder had fired his racquetball buddy Vinny Cerrato and hired Tuna, maybe I would feel better about the state of the Redskins organization. One last thing, I also love the Tuna for his Quarterback Commandments and I think anyone who ever played/plays under center should hear this at least once: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMfXkMX0J-w

4. We are the Titans . . . the mighty, mighty Titans: Francis alluded to Julius Campbell and the T.C. Williams Titans in his 5, but I wanna talk about the Titans from the capitol of country music. Jeff Fisher's bunch is still perfect after Week 11. What's scary? A team once stabilized by its relentless defense has now found a vertical passing game to compliment their thunder and lighting running game. The 2008 Titans look eerily similar to the World Champion 2000 Baltimore Ravens; a team led by a suffocating D, a solid running game, and a veteran quarterback who manages the game and limits turnovers. The quarterback the Ravens flustered in their Super Bowl victory? A young gunslinger by the name of Kerry Collins. Now sans-alcohol and leading the mighty Titans, Collins hopes to be on the winning side when this year's Lombardi Trophy is awarded.

5. The Zorn Identity??: After a 4-1 start and road victories in the Illadel and Big D, it seemed a Redskins offense that had been plagued for years by a severe case of anemia had finally found a cure. Mixing punishing runs with short, quick passes and the occasional vertical strike, the Gibbs Coast Offense looked as though its ceiling was high. But after putting up only 17, 14 and 17 against the lowly Rams, Browns and Lions respectively, the Skins offense laid two absolute eggs on national television against the Stillers and Lucipher's aforementioned Spawns. With no pass protection, a lack of a 2nd option at WR, and a banged up Clinton Portis, how far can this team that seemed playoff-bound 3 weeks ago climb? Right now, that answer is as allusive as a Redskins offensive touchdown.

The Aftermath.

My Top 5 deductions of last night's loss by the Burgundy & Gold to those dastardly Cow Town Cowards:

5. Special Teams - They did some great things. Cartwright's return, after the Barber TD, took all of the wind out of Dallas' sails. Suisham's 44-yarder to end the 1st half showed them that we could take their best punch. Plackemeier's punt to the 1 yd line (despite the wrong call on the field) was perfect. BUT... Cartwright's bobble out-of-bounds and Suisham's missed 46-yarder negated all of the good that they did. Overall Grade: C-.

4. Defensive Line - Obviously, when you give up 117 rushing yards, you're getting beat in the trenches. But, it was worse than that. The front four combined for three tackles. Three!!! And, Jason Taylor was invisible. Four-finger Tony was not sacked, not pressured, not hurried. The one good shot that the D put on him, the Rocky INT, was by a safety. If these guys don't get some penetration, teams have found the way to beat us over the last two weeks. Grade: F (Demetric Evans gets a C+).

3. The Secondary - Chris Horton was great, again. The TD that the Cowgirls did throw was at Horton, but he was in good position - the guy just made a career catch. Landry was slow getting over, also. Smoot made some Earth-shattering hits. McIntosh's INT was caused by Romo being hurried by a S blitz, and 'Los knocking the breath out of TO. Once again, w/o their best cover man, they blanketed TO, held Romo under 200 yds, and forced 2 INT's. BUT... D-Hall was beat on his INT, Four-Finger Tony badly threw behind TO - we got lucky. AND... it's still a ballgame if LaRon doesn't flat-out miss his tackle on Barber in the backfield on the final 4th & 1. My mantra is this: the D really misses Shawn Springs & Sean Taylor. Grade: C+ (Horton A, Los/Smoot/Hall C, Landry D).

2. Thieves - Casey Rabach, Shawn Alexander, & Jason Taylor are downright stealing money from Daniel Snyder. I know, this is a long-standing tradition, but it's got to stop. And Jon Jansen and Marcus Washington need to be put out to pasture. Otherwise the freshmen class and off-season acquisitions are on-target. If we were to spend this off-season addressing these 5 gaps - we'd have gone a long way. Cerrato's Grade (thus far): C+.

1. The Play - I knew that the game was over, and lost, when the following series of actions took place. The Skins had righted the ship, they were effectively running the Gibbs Coast Offense for the first time since the opening series, but found themselves sitting at 3rd & 7. Before Campbell could respond to Zorn's confusion, a penalty was thrown for the 'Skins having 12 men in the huddle. Dumb. So, they have the time it takes for the penalty to be called and the yardage to be assessed to get the proper play selected. Nope. JC has to take a timeout. Dumber. So, NBC cuts to commercial, and the 'Skins get an extended timeout to assemble the proper 3rd & 7 call. The result: Jay Ratliff dry humps Jason Campbell's head into the Kentucky bluegrass. F'ing ridiculous. Zorn's Playcalling Grade: D.

In the three games that Zorn has been on Prime Time television, the 'Skins are not only 0-3 - their offense looks completely dishevelled. I believe that the team is merely reflecting Zorn's nervousness, inexperience, and tenativity. As T.C. Williams High's Julius Campbell said, "Attitude reflect leadership, cap'n." ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGhz4OA6Wgg) Until Zorny finds his Comfort Zone under the lights, this team is second tier. Until they find an offense, they're not even that.